Wallyworld

Do you love or hate Wal-Mart? If you're like most people I know it's either one or the other, depending on the day. In general I think it's the peak of mercantile evolution, as perfect a store as our civilization has ever produced. Not to leave you in suspense over my actual opinion or anything. Before you fly into a rage and risk breaking your cute Ikea furniture, let me lay some reason on you.

1. Standard of living. By being the best business, or in other words the lowest cost producer, Wal-Mart cuts the waste out of the economy. Our money goes to the producers with very little siphoned off to middlemen. Wal-Mart even goes as step further and squeezes the producers to be even more efficient. It routinely goes into the books of its suppliers and makes them prove that they are providing goods at the lowest price. As an example of Wal-Mart’s innovation, somebody in Arkansas can tell you what the temperature of any freezer in Des Moines.

2. Timesavings. You can’t get everything at Wal-Mart. Like clothes for example. Unless you wear only wear XXL football jerseys. And you don’t mind seeing a guy with your same shirt at least once a day. But you can get a lot of necessities. Including a date. Once, after loading up the counter with my purchases I noticed a cute girl getting away from the store. I sprinted out, wooed her and returned with her number just in time to stop the clerk from voiding everything. Point being you can get a lot of necessities taken care of and then get back to your real life. So we’re talking standard of living again. And I need to mention the fruit. Wal-mart’s fruit is usually the best priced in town, and students can afford to eat grapes like kings.

3. Uniting the community. I see people at Wal-Mart I would never run into otherwise. Some of them are so big you can’t help running into them. It helps to remind you of how good you have it. Without having to spend money to fly to Mexico. Businessmen in suites and guys in tank tops shopping together – doesn’t that warm your nachos?

That’s my list of reason why I haven’t engaged in a personal embargo against The Behemoth like my parents have. I’m not sure how strictly the majority of those embargoes are enforced anyway. Oh, you got a great deal on that bolt of cloth from where again Mom?

And so here are some of the very small flaws that our favorite store has from time to time.

1. Running out of things. Ah, the masses. How can you fault them for buying what you wanted to buy? That means I have to go to Albertson’s and pay around 3 times as much. Some grocery stores just crack me up. Have you ever walked through and just started laughing at how much they charge? And then laughed at the people who are shopping there? Well don’t laugh. Those products may look exactly the same, but they’re not. Some of us are willing to pay a little more for Certified Riff-Raff Free.

2. Lines. How do they manage their staff so efficiently that there is never, not ever, a cashier without someone waiting? A couple of times I’ve had to cut my losses and leave after ditching my cart in the store. Now it’s even worse because we’re being herded into the self-slaughter checkout lines. The whole point of those was you could get out quick because there was no line. Now you have the ultimate insult of waiting in line for the privilege of scanning and bagging your own groceries. I avoid self-checkout lines at all costs. Because being behind one old lady in a self-checkout is like being in a regular line that wraps around the building and down the street to Costco.

Which brings me to the reason I chose this subject to begin with. Last week I was forced to wait in a self-checkout line because every other line was nothing but carts with enough food and diapers to supply an orphanage for a month. If you’ve been to Wal-Mart you’ll remember that there are two self-checkouts per aisle. One is further down the aisle. So I was waiting at the first one and keeping an eye on the second one in case somehow someone there won the slot machine first and got his or her receipt. So the farther one pulled ahead and looked like it was going to win. Then this woman behind me who was straining her neck to watch the race too asked me which line I was in. Now I don’t think that waiting in line should be a game of chance like betting on dogs at the track. There should be no drama. None. First come first serve. So here’s the conversation.

Excuse me. Which line are you in?
Both.
(Huffing and puffing.)
Well can I go down there?
Sure, if you can get by.
Can I get around you please?
I don’t know can you?

At this point the guy behind her who I’m pretty sure didn’t know her and who had apparently been straining his neck even more to watch the race came to try his luck. I stuck my cart into the aisle so there would be no misunderstanding. He asked me the same questions.

Can I get by please?
I’m not sure there’s room, but you might be able to go around through another aisle.
(Lady pipes in) He’s being very difficult.
He then came right up into my space and tried to call my bluff. Luckily just then one of the self-checkers finished and I rightfully took the next turn at playing checkout boy.

I’ve thought about whether I did the right thing or not in standing up to them. It did create animosity. I think this is a case of justified civil disobedience. One man… one vote … one line.