I'm in charge of my ward directory, affectionately referred to as the menu in most places. Once a ward I was in actually published it as a mock menu, with appetizer people on up to dessert people. Naturally I was the main course. Ok, a main course. They even put pictures of food where photos were missing.
I think to most the directory is a guilty reading pleasure. I've certainly never thrown the directory down when someone came into the room. Guys like it more than girls because it represents a whole lot of free numbers they didn't have to ask for. It's acceptable to ask a girl out from the directory, provided you've talked to her at least once. Hi! It's Davey... Remember you gave me your number when you gave it to the ward clerk? I was wondering if you'd like to go our for some weak sauce Friday?
But that might not happen if your picture is so bad you can see up your nose. Which is why it's so hard for me to hunt these girls down to get their pictures. They don't understand that they're in good hands with me. I take at least 6 shots and have them do things like tousle their hair and give me side winks. They don't really but they do laugh. As a side note I've noticed the keeper is usually the one towards the end when they've loosened up.
I would put up wanted posters but I would need pictures for that. It's kind of weird making people do something they don't want to but there are advantages. I have an excuse to stop and talk to every new girl who comes to visit. "Ok, your papers check out. You look like a nice girl but we've got a couple of wanted girls and we can never be too careful." Today I actually caught one. I expected more of a fight from #3 Ward Most Wanted but she went quietly. She will thank me when she gets to go bowling with Davey.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Wallyworld
Do you love or hate Wal-Mart? If you're like most people I know it's either one or the other, depending on the day. In general I think it's the peak of mercantile evolution, as perfect a store as our civilization has ever produced. Not to leave you in suspense over my actual opinion or anything. Before you fly into a rage and risk breaking your cute Ikea furniture, let me lay some reason on you.
1. Standard of living. By being the best business, or in other words the lowest cost producer, Wal-Mart cuts the waste out of the economy. Our money goes to the producers with very little siphoned off to middlemen. Wal-Mart even goes as step further and squeezes the producers to be even more efficient. It routinely goes into the books of its suppliers and makes them prove that they are providing goods at the lowest price. As an example of Wal-Mart’s innovation, somebody in Arkansas can tell you what the temperature of any freezer in Des Moines.
2. Timesavings. You can’t get everything at Wal-Mart. Like clothes for example. Unless you wear only wear XXL football jerseys. And you don’t mind seeing a guy with your same shirt at least once a day. But you can get a lot of necessities. Including a date. Once, after loading up the counter with my purchases I noticed a cute girl getting away from the store. I sprinted out, wooed her and returned with her number just in time to stop the clerk from voiding everything. Point being you can get a lot of necessities taken care of and then get back to your real life. So we’re talking standard of living again. And I need to mention the fruit. Wal-mart’s fruit is usually the best priced in town, and students can afford to eat grapes like kings.
3. Uniting the community. I see people at Wal-Mart I would never run into otherwise. Some of them are so big you can’t help running into them. It helps to remind you of how good you have it. Without having to spend money to fly to Mexico. Businessmen in suites and guys in tank tops shopping together – doesn’t that warm your nachos?
That’s my list of reason why I haven’t engaged in a personal embargo against The Behemoth like my parents have. I’m not sure how strictly the majority of those embargoes are enforced anyway. Oh, you got a great deal on that bolt of cloth from where again Mom?
And so here are some of the very small flaws that our favorite store has from time to time.
1. Running out of things. Ah, the masses. How can you fault them for buying what you wanted to buy? That means I have to go to Albertson’s and pay around 3 times as much. Some grocery stores just crack me up. Have you ever walked through and just started laughing at how much they charge? And then laughed at the people who are shopping there? Well don’t laugh. Those products may look exactly the same, but they’re not. Some of us are willing to pay a little more for Certified Riff-Raff Free.
2. Lines. How do they manage their staff so efficiently that there is never, not ever, a cashier without someone waiting? A couple of times I’ve had to cut my losses and leave after ditching my cart in the store. Now it’s even worse because we’re being herded into the self-slaughter checkout lines. The whole point of those was you could get out quick because there was no line. Now you have the ultimate insult of waiting in line for the privilege of scanning and bagging your own groceries. I avoid self-checkout lines at all costs. Because being behind one old lady in a self-checkout is like being in a regular line that wraps around the building and down the street to Costco.
Which brings me to the reason I chose this subject to begin with. Last week I was forced to wait in a self-checkout line because every other line was nothing but carts with enough food and diapers to supply an orphanage for a month. If you’ve been to Wal-Mart you’ll remember that there are two self-checkouts per aisle. One is further down the aisle. So I was waiting at the first one and keeping an eye on the second one in case somehow someone there won the slot machine first and got his or her receipt. So the farther one pulled ahead and looked like it was going to win. Then this woman behind me who was straining her neck to watch the race too asked me which line I was in. Now I don’t think that waiting in line should be a game of chance like betting on dogs at the track. There should be no drama. None. First come first serve. So here’s the conversation.
Excuse me. Which line are you in?
Both.
(Huffing and puffing.)
Well can I go down there?
Sure, if you can get by.
Can I get around you please?
I don’t know can you?
At this point the guy behind her who I’m pretty sure didn’t know her and who had apparently been straining his neck even more to watch the race came to try his luck. I stuck my cart into the aisle so there would be no misunderstanding. He asked me the same questions.
Can I get by please?
I’m not sure there’s room, but you might be able to go around through another aisle.
(Lady pipes in) He’s being very difficult.
He then came right up into my space and tried to call my bluff. Luckily just then one of the self-checkers finished and I rightfully took the next turn at playing checkout boy.
I’ve thought about whether I did the right thing or not in standing up to them. It did create animosity. I think this is a case of justified civil disobedience. One man… one vote … one line.
1. Standard of living. By being the best business, or in other words the lowest cost producer, Wal-Mart cuts the waste out of the economy. Our money goes to the producers with very little siphoned off to middlemen. Wal-Mart even goes as step further and squeezes the producers to be even more efficient. It routinely goes into the books of its suppliers and makes them prove that they are providing goods at the lowest price. As an example of Wal-Mart’s innovation, somebody in Arkansas can tell you what the temperature of any freezer in Des Moines.
2. Timesavings. You can’t get everything at Wal-Mart. Like clothes for example. Unless you wear only wear XXL football jerseys. And you don’t mind seeing a guy with your same shirt at least once a day. But you can get a lot of necessities. Including a date. Once, after loading up the counter with my purchases I noticed a cute girl getting away from the store. I sprinted out, wooed her and returned with her number just in time to stop the clerk from voiding everything. Point being you can get a lot of necessities taken care of and then get back to your real life. So we’re talking standard of living again. And I need to mention the fruit. Wal-mart’s fruit is usually the best priced in town, and students can afford to eat grapes like kings.
3. Uniting the community. I see people at Wal-Mart I would never run into otherwise. Some of them are so big you can’t help running into them. It helps to remind you of how good you have it. Without having to spend money to fly to Mexico. Businessmen in suites and guys in tank tops shopping together – doesn’t that warm your nachos?
That’s my list of reason why I haven’t engaged in a personal embargo against The Behemoth like my parents have. I’m not sure how strictly the majority of those embargoes are enforced anyway. Oh, you got a great deal on that bolt of cloth from where again Mom?
And so here are some of the very small flaws that our favorite store has from time to time.
1. Running out of things. Ah, the masses. How can you fault them for buying what you wanted to buy? That means I have to go to Albertson’s and pay around 3 times as much. Some grocery stores just crack me up. Have you ever walked through and just started laughing at how much they charge? And then laughed at the people who are shopping there? Well don’t laugh. Those products may look exactly the same, but they’re not. Some of us are willing to pay a little more for Certified Riff-Raff Free.
2. Lines. How do they manage their staff so efficiently that there is never, not ever, a cashier without someone waiting? A couple of times I’ve had to cut my losses and leave after ditching my cart in the store. Now it’s even worse because we’re being herded into the self-slaughter checkout lines. The whole point of those was you could get out quick because there was no line. Now you have the ultimate insult of waiting in line for the privilege of scanning and bagging your own groceries. I avoid self-checkout lines at all costs. Because being behind one old lady in a self-checkout is like being in a regular line that wraps around the building and down the street to Costco.
Which brings me to the reason I chose this subject to begin with. Last week I was forced to wait in a self-checkout line because every other line was nothing but carts with enough food and diapers to supply an orphanage for a month. If you’ve been to Wal-Mart you’ll remember that there are two self-checkouts per aisle. One is further down the aisle. So I was waiting at the first one and keeping an eye on the second one in case somehow someone there won the slot machine first and got his or her receipt. So the farther one pulled ahead and looked like it was going to win. Then this woman behind me who was straining her neck to watch the race too asked me which line I was in. Now I don’t think that waiting in line should be a game of chance like betting on dogs at the track. There should be no drama. None. First come first serve. So here’s the conversation.
Excuse me. Which line are you in?
Both.
(Huffing and puffing.)
Well can I go down there?
Sure, if you can get by.
Can I get around you please?
I don’t know can you?
At this point the guy behind her who I’m pretty sure didn’t know her and who had apparently been straining his neck even more to watch the race came to try his luck. I stuck my cart into the aisle so there would be no misunderstanding. He asked me the same questions.
Can I get by please?
I’m not sure there’s room, but you might be able to go around through another aisle.
(Lady pipes in) He’s being very difficult.
He then came right up into my space and tried to call my bluff. Luckily just then one of the self-checkers finished and I rightfully took the next turn at playing checkout boy.
I’ve thought about whether I did the right thing or not in standing up to them. It did create animosity. I think this is a case of justified civil disobedience. One man… one vote … one line.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Let's Play Cabin
This weekend I was invited to a cabin by a girl I've been going out with lately. We stayed with about 10 other "couples". It was basically a group date that lasted the whole weekend. The great thing about it was we were in a beautiful location and the only thing on the agenda was fun. Wake boarding, eating, movies, guitar, games and so on. The really great thing about it was I rather liked spending time with my girl. So even when the group wasn't doing something fun, I was having fun with my date. I know what you're thinking - where were the chaperons? And that would be a good question. 2 of the couples were married, so you could say they were grown ups. But I don't think they considered it their responsibility to set an example. At least not a good one anyway.
We stopped by my date's parent's house on the way to the cabin, and they were obviously concerned. I told them I was coming by to make sure that she came from a good home. Wait, you're not coming?, I said in mock horror to the parents. The same cabin?!!! I thought we would be in separate cabins! Luckily for me the girl had been on a mission until two months ago and didn't give me any trouble.
So my insight is that everything is better with someone that you like. Even vacations. I hope being married is like and extended date. I guess that's what a proposal is - I'm going to be doing a bunch of stuff in my life, would you like to come along?
We stopped by my date's parent's house on the way to the cabin, and they were obviously concerned. I told them I was coming by to make sure that she came from a good home. Wait, you're not coming?, I said in mock horror to the parents. The same cabin?!!! I thought we would be in separate cabins! Luckily for me the girl had been on a mission until two months ago and didn't give me any trouble.
So my insight is that everything is better with someone that you like. Even vacations. I hope being married is like and extended date. I guess that's what a proposal is - I'm going to be doing a bunch of stuff in my life, would you like to come along?
Sunday, May 27, 2007
My First Beard
My first post into the world of blogging. Hello Grand World! I am now a part of you. Humbly I am yours for the reading.
It feels much like growing my first facial hair. Suddenly it was out there - published on my face for world to see for the very first time. Liberating in disproportion to it's stature. Life will go on almost without change, yet expanded.
How this all started: A couple of months ago my girlfriend gave me some very positive feedback when I failed to shave. Looking back on it I see how skillfully she manipulated me. Good boy, come here...that's a good boy... you're so cuuute yes you are ..with your scruffy little beard. Positive reinforcement is always your best training tool.
So naturally I stopped shaving. Why haven't I ever grown out a beard? Because I would look like a killer I always thought. Or worse a community college student. And then something happened. Each day I went out without shaving I felt a surge of manliness as I walked out of my house in the morning. That's right, I don't care what anyone thinks... I'm not shaving because this is who I am. Take it or leave it. I don't need to please anyone but me.
To you men who haven't tried it: Free the beard and free the soul! Actually it was more like a new style of suit or a motorcycle. You catch yourself thinking "Who is that cool guy in the mirror?" Or "I'm the biker dude I just saw cruising in the reflection of that building." In reality it was probably like the nerd who buys himself a really cool sweater and walks around thinking he's the envy of the office.
Two highlights: Seeing what color my facial hair is. It's got a red tinge but definitely black. And looking at it wet. Sexy beast were the words that came to mind.
I shaved it off a couple weeks ago, a better man for the experience. Probably like a woman having a baby. Glad to have the gender affirming experience, but feeling no need to be permanently pregnant. Besides, it wasn't a real beard. I can only grow a mustache, soul patch and a goatee. I didn't grow the mustache, so I didn't know what to call it. I dislike having to call it facial hair. That sounds like something that needs laser treatment. Soul Patch and goatee is too long. If I can call it chin patch I'll grow it again.
It feels much like growing my first facial hair. Suddenly it was out there - published on my face for world to see for the very first time. Liberating in disproportion to it's stature. Life will go on almost without change, yet expanded.
How this all started: A couple of months ago my girlfriend gave me some very positive feedback when I failed to shave. Looking back on it I see how skillfully she manipulated me. Good boy, come here...that's a good boy... you're so cuuute yes you are ..with your scruffy little beard. Positive reinforcement is always your best training tool.
So naturally I stopped shaving. Why haven't I ever grown out a beard? Because I would look like a killer I always thought. Or worse a community college student. And then something happened. Each day I went out without shaving I felt a surge of manliness as I walked out of my house in the morning. That's right, I don't care what anyone thinks... I'm not shaving because this is who I am. Take it or leave it. I don't need to please anyone but me.
To you men who haven't tried it: Free the beard and free the soul! Actually it was more like a new style of suit or a motorcycle. You catch yourself thinking "Who is that cool guy in the mirror?" Or "I'm the biker dude I just saw cruising in the reflection of that building." In reality it was probably like the nerd who buys himself a really cool sweater and walks around thinking he's the envy of the office.
Two highlights: Seeing what color my facial hair is. It's got a red tinge but definitely black. And looking at it wet. Sexy beast were the words that came to mind.
I shaved it off a couple weeks ago, a better man for the experience. Probably like a woman having a baby. Glad to have the gender affirming experience, but feeling no need to be permanently pregnant. Besides, it wasn't a real beard. I can only grow a mustache, soul patch and a goatee. I didn't grow the mustache, so I didn't know what to call it. I dislike having to call it facial hair. That sounds like something that needs laser treatment. Soul Patch and goatee is too long. If I can call it chin patch I'll grow it again.
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